Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Self Centered, Semi-Depressing Updates and Things

I googled myself tonight because I'm just as self-centered as the mainstream media thinks I am. Thanks to google, I now remember that, before I started blogging here, I had a LiveJournal. My last post was from back in 2011 and it was about how I felt that I was becoming too "unintentionally angry" at "people". By "people" I meant my boyfriend at the time, an orthodox Christian, and "unintentionally angry" was my timid, atheist way of saying "unequally yoked". This was the guy who once told me angrily that if everyone in the world were an atheist like me, society would collapse. That pretty much sums up why it did work out for me. 

It seems appropriate that that's the blog post I stumbled across tonight because I've been feeling similarly for the past few months. I have been prone to anger and frustration about the smallest issues. Sometimes, I take it out on my friends, only to feel miserable afterwords. This time around, I'm not unequally yoked with a person, I'm unequally yoked with my life. I have been out of school since May and so far, my job search has come up empty despite copious amounts of work I have been doing. Sitting and waiting doesn't suit me, lack of structure and direction doesn't suit me. These things make me restless and frustrated. Michael says that I need to develop the mentality of a marathon runner even though, up until this point in my life, I've always had the mentality of a sprinter. He's right. In the past, when faced with a challenge or a difficult project, I would throw myself into the project entirely and work extremely hard, thinking of nothing else. I forced myself to exceed the expectations of the challenger. Now that I'm out of school and looking for a job, that kind of mentality isn't as effective as it used to be. I need to learn to pace myself so that I don't burn out. I feel beyond burned out already.

The point I'm trying to make through all of this rambling is that I haven't blogged or vlogged in a while because my heart hasn't been in it. Just as in every other area of my life right now, I feel as though I have nothing useful to contribute. It is pleasantly surprising to see several good YouTubers start making videos again. There's a part of me that wishes things could go back to the way they were during the "golden age" of YouTube secularism a few years ago. Hell, I wish the whole Movement could go back to the way it was, but that's not going to happen. The Movement I knew and loved is just another home that I have had to move out of in the course of growing up. That home has probably been one of the more difficult to leave behind. As always, the uncertainty is what drives me nuts.

One thing that reading my old LiveJournal did for me though, was remind me of a time in my life when I became ok with saying "I don't know" to the God question. Maybe it's time I learned to do the same about the future. 

Anyway, all of this is why I haven't been around lately. In all likelihood, I'll be back. I crave attention too badly to leave blogging forever. Until then, goodnight heathens.